“I wanted everything….. I wanted my whole life to happen right then.”

“I was born in Birmingham, Alabama and I spent two weeks in the NICU weighing only four pounds. The doctors told my mom that I might not make it and if I did, I’d have a special disability. Obviously that didn’t happen and eventually I became the person you see right now. 

Growing up with two siblings and two step siblings was an experience. My parents did everything they could to make our childhood the best childhood. Every year we took trips. We visited the white house, Myrtle beach….we’ve been everywhere. They provided us with things we wanted and needed so I’m very grateful for that. 

In 2021 I was graduating high school, and I applied for college at UCA. There was a part of me that wanted to go off to college, but another part of me didn’t want to leave my mom and family. So when I finally got over the fear of leaving them, I decided I was going to go, and I went.

Freshman year was probably the best experience of my life. I partied, I met new people, I talked to people. There  was just great energy. 

I also think it humbled me in a way. I went from everything being given to me to having to work for everything.

When I went off to college, I had this image in my head that Blytheville is not where I wanted to be. I thought I needed to go to another city and be another person or try to change myself a little bit.  I went to UCA thinking that’s what I was there for.  

As I started realizing that, I won’t say I became depressed, but it was getting to where I did not want to be there anymore. And that began to affect my grades, so I finally decided after my freshman year, I was going back home.

The biggest thing that was weighing on me at that time was probably the finances. I had a lot of scholarships for UCA, but I wasn’t able to touch some until maybe spring or fall the following year. So with taking out a lot of student loans, and with having so many classes the fees started adding up.

After months of taking out loans and still having a balance, it just became a huge stress on me. My mom had another child she was still raising at home, so of course I didn’t want to take from her household or anything. I was feeling like everything was on me to decide.

The whole situation showed me that I was trying to move too fast. I wanted too many outcomes out of it and I wasn’t there for the right reasons. I loved college but I wasn’t there for my education. I think I was there trying to get a new life or something like that. 

I think I listened to people too much also. Some of my classmates were all excited about being ready to go off and I was putting their experiences on me. So I was so ready to go off too. But it is okay to stay back. It’s okay to be in your hometown for a little longer. Get to know what you want to do and then make a plan.

This whole experience had me feeling like I was living too fast. I have a fear of failing. I’m trying to overcome it. I would say that I’m now using my failures to guide me. I know that if I fail I can always get up and learn from it. I think that was my biggest problem.

I wanted everything. I’m only 20 and I wanted my whole life to happen right then. I was stressing over things that normal 20 year olds don’t even think about. It taught me to slow my living down and actually live in the present and only try to control things that I can control.

I know God I grew up in the church but I didnt do what I should’ve been doing. He was walking with me but I wasn’t walking with Him. I work at Walmart for now and this probably wouldn’t be the job or situation that I want but I feel like He’s humbling me. I’m used to being paid more and I’m not getting that right now, so I feel like God is just trying to tell me to slow it down a little bit.

I was doing everything without Him so I feel like this situation I’m going through now is helping me you know. I may not be okay with it or comfortable  with the situation, but He’s showing me something and I’m learning. “

-Jazmin J.